I’ll confess right now that I’m not anime’s number one fan. I don’t hate the genre, by any means, but I never got into it the way some people seem to do (especially not the cat-ears people. They‘re probably beyond my help). Maybe it’s because the only examples of anime I watched as were Pokemon and occasionally Digimon if I felt bored and self-deprecating, or maybe I managed to wrangle up a real social life, I don’t know. But as of the last few years I’ve seen examples of fantastic animes such as Princess Mononoke and Ponyo, and while both of those were absolutely fucking absurd they were the perfect kind of absurd—the universes in which they existed made sense, the characters were interesting and likable, the stories were captivating, and the absurdity added to the sense of wonder the movies were trying to convey. If you are looking to jump into anime, start with those films because they’re solid all around (and even though I haven’t seen it, I heard good things about Spirited Away).
Anime fans, on the other hand, will notice that all these recommended films were written and directed by the same man--Hayao Miyazaki. And why not? He’s generally considered the best anime writer/director of all time, with his films receiving Academy Award nominations for Best Animated Film twice (and winning once in 2002). His films are, by and large, classics of both anime and animated films in general. However, did you know he has a son, Goro, who is also an anime director? You didn’t? That’s probably for the best because he is living proof that talent is not a familial trait at all. He’s only directed two films, one titled From up on Poppy Hill which was realized this year, and Tales from Earthsea released in 2006, which he also co-wrote and is the subject for today’s wonderful journey into total nonsensical stupidity. It’s made by Studio Ghibli, which Hayao co-founded, and is the same studio that released Hayao’s films. So that’s a good sign, right? Right? Please? I need this.
My science-fiction oriented fans will note that Earthsea is a series of novels by Ursula K. Le Guin, and indeed this movie is based off of several novels in that series, if by based you mean has nothing to do with in the slightest. In fact, let’s go to the author herself for her view as to the movie’s faithfulness:
Le Guin: (as seen on http://www.ursulakleguin.com/GedoSenkiResponse.html) Please do not hold any writer except the script-writer responsiblefor anything in a film. Don't ask the book's author "Why did they . . . ?" She is wondering too.
Oh. Okay. Well that would imply that the writers completely butchered the story and in fact produced something that not only bears no resemblance to the source material but in fact was truly confusing and infuriating for all involved. But, come on, what are the chances of that?
So the movie begins with a quote which may be from the books but I have no idea, I’m not even sure if it have anything to do with the movie, except to say “Hey! We read the books ! Honest we did!” Then we cut to a ship caught in a storm. Everyone looks panicked and nervous, which is the appropriate response to this situation, granted. The captain, who by the way has the most atrocious Jamaican accent I’ve ever heard outside the Apple Jacks commercials, calls for his wizard (I’m guessing that’s standard issue in this world of [ridiculous name here] right? To have an immensely powerful person who can command the elements just w
ork on insignificant commercial vessels?). The wizard then turns and says this:
Wizard (unnamed): Captain! I can’t remember the names. The true names. Of the wind. And the waves.
Wow. Just wow. I would have nominated that for least convincing dialogue I’ve ever heard, but we have two hours to get through and it only gets worse I promise. Also, what the hell does that even mean? True names are a common trope in fantasy, sure, but here the rules surrounding them are never explained properly. It’s inconsistent and it never makes the connection with anything we see on screen, not really. Think of true names in this production as plot hole spackle, only the people applying the spackle are blind and also have amnesia so they forget they have spackle and just kind of wave their paint brushes around going “rable rable rable.” (No, I don’t know why they’re saying that, why would I know that?)
Also, even though we’ll get a semi-explanation as to why he said that, it’s still kind of weird to say, isn’t it? It’s so melodramatic and poorly written, you’d think the guy forgot the names because he just pissed himself from fear.
Or maybe he’s just dumb. That’s a possibility too.
The lookout says there’s something above the clouds. At first I thought it was evil lightning, but experience has taught me it will never be evil lightning as much I hope it will be. No! It’s something far more ridiculous I’m afraid. Actually it’s a dragon. He flies around a bit and is intimidating and most definitely a dragon. Obviously it’s a dragon. It was right there. Everyone saw it:
Stupid Wizard: It’s…a dragon!
NO FUCKING SHIT IT’S A DRAGON! WE WERE RIGHT THERE! If you honestly needed that to tell you it’s a dragon, I’m surprised you have the mental capacity to read! Another dragon shows up out of nowhere and they tear each other apart in a fairly gruesome but short fight sequence until one of them falls dead into the ocean. YOU SEE THIS IS A METAPHOR! THE FIGHTING DRAGONS SYMBOLIZE THE UPSET OF THE TAOIST BALANCE OF THIS WORLD, WHICH LEADS TO THE DISCORD THAT SPREADS THROUGHOUT THE LAND AND MOTIVATES THE PLOT! I FELT THE COMPLUSIVE NEED TO SHOUT THAT AT THE TOP OF VOICE AT YOU, THE AUDIENCE!
Whoa that was weird. Sorry. Anyway, back to the film.
George Wizard Bush: Dragons fighting. That’s impossible.
…
Okay, I’m convinced you’re slow. There’s no way you would say that line that way unless you were completely dense because you just saw that happening literally five seconds ago! You were the first response to that awesome sight and you came up with that?! You’re thicker than overcooked Rice-A-Roni in a cement mixer! Oh, by the way, hoped you like those characters because we’ll never see them again after this scene. Hooray!
Then we cut to a city and a grand palace, in which a group of advisers relate the details of a pestilence spreading throughout the land, killing off livestock and babies. It’s then we realize that one side of the table all have 1920’s villains’ mustaches for no reason, making this scene impossible to take seriously for even one second. Seriously, did they all just come back from a “Tie Girlfriends to the Railroad Tracks” Convention?
The King, who in a bold move actually gives a shit, initiates a quarantine of infected areas, calls on wizard/doctors to search for a cure, and sends provisions to the stricken areas. Wow, he seems to have his head on straight. I HOPE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS TO HIM OR ANYTHING.
There’s also a drought and the wizards are completely and inexplicably useless at this moment, so it looks like everything’s fucked. The King then consults his…most trusted advisor? Chief Wizard? Grandfather? It’s not really explained who he is or why he would know anything, but the movie calls him Root so that’s what we’ll go with for now. Don’t get attached though we’ll never see him again after this sequence. Root says the “light of the balance” is dimming. I have no idea what that means, but evidently it’s important to…sustain the world? Sure, why not? If I keep asking questions I’ll just fall over dead from frustration. The King then learns about the dragons the sailors saw, and apparently they never show up in this region ever. I’m not really sure what to make of that, since dragons will keep showing up for no reason throughout the film anyway. Man, I hope that doesn’t make this entire sequence useless or anything. That would be sad.
Root then goes into the most vapid and pointless monologue I’ve ever had the good fortune to hear. Let’s take a listen.
Root: In ages past, dragons and men were one. Those who lusted after wealth chose the land and the sea and became men. Those who cherished freedom became dragons and chose
wind and fire. Since then, dragons and men have remained divided. To hear that dragons have been seen, let alone fighting, means the darkness that threatens us is rapidly approaching.
Ahhhh. I love you, stupid monologue. Let’s break this down, because it bears breaking. For starters, what does this mean? How the hell does this relate to anything we’re going to see or will see? What purpose did that information dump serve? How does an evolutionary history that would make Darwin rise from the dead to beat the writers to death with a finch fit into the world we’re watching? How does choosing freedom mean turning into a dragon? And isn’t the darkness that threatens you here, now? What with the disease? And the drought? Hello? Movie?
Also, wouldn’t the sentence “To hear that dragons have been fighting, let alone seen, means etc.” make more sense? Because, you know, the wizard on the boat said that dragons fighting is impossible and you just said dragons being seen is also incredibly rare?! Good god, movie, you have to try and make sense in the realm of your own insanity! Otherwise, so help me, I’ll hit you with a cherry picker!
Let’s keep going, why waste time with totally relevant questions we’ll never answer? On top of all this, Prince Arren is missing. One of the hand maidens has to tell the king this. He sounds like a fantastic father figure, doesn’t he? Can’t keep track of the HEIR TO THE GODDAMN THRONE!
Then the Queen shows up and BRRPAHAHAHAHA ! I’m sorry, you can’t be ser
ious, movie! You can’t be serious! The Queen has dark eye-shadow, is unbelievably haughty, and she’s holding a cat?! No! Come on! Be reasonable! She can’t be that transparent a villain! It’s against the law or something!
Anyway, the Queen tells the meddlesome, deeply concerned handmaiden not to bother the King, who probably should still hear this, and in fact dismisses the handmaiden's concerns about Arren’s mental health. This is what I like to call, stupid. Dismissing possible mental illness HAS NEVER WORKED OUT WELL IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. Just saying. She even calls it “heedless.” Bitch!
Oh by the way, don’t worry. The Queen isn’t the villain. We just won’t ever see her again. Bye!
The King goes off alone into a dark corridor to “tend to his correspondents”, whatever that means. I’m pretty sure most kings would have a guy for that, but sure, okay, what’s one more implausibility on top of everything else? Remember how I mentioned it’s a dark corridor? I bet nothing bad will possibly happen here. What are the chances?
Why are there no guards here, by the way? Don’t most palaces have guards on standby in corridors like this? So, you know, no one gets stabbed or anything? The King even looks down the dark, ominous hallway behind him since that is the perfect place to hide if you were planning to stab someone.
Oh, by the way, SPOILERS ALERT AHEAD OH GOOD GOD PROTECT THE CHILDREN SHEILD YOUR EYES HIDE YOUR FAMILY AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, the King is immediately stabbed by an attacker who ambushes him from the dark, ominous hallway. ALL CLEAR!
Yeah, if you didn’t see that coming, you’re as short staffed mentally as the palace is physically. Where the hell are the guards?! How could this possibly go down without a single witness?! Oh and the assassin takes the King’s sword, and…wait…what’s that?
Do you see that?
That can’t be what I think it is, right?
No.
Oh god.
The sword has testicles. Yes, you’re seeing that correctly. THE GODDAMN SWORD HAS GODDAMN BALLS. Only the most insane and depraved human beings with no sense of subtly or nuance would actually take the sword, already a heavy phallic symbol, and actually
TAKE THE NEXT STEP AND GIVE THE SWORD FUCKING TESTICLES. THERE’S NO HOPE FOR HUMANITY WHEN IF YOU THINK THE AUDIENCE NEEDS TO BE BEATEN OVER THE HEAD WITH THE PHALLIC NATURE OF THE SWORD!WE ALREADY GET IT! WE AREN’T STUPID!
It’s right here that I knew I was in for a ride into idiocy. I was prepared to overlook the ridiculousness before (it’s anime, after all), but this…there’s no way this can be redeemed. Nothing you can do will make up for what I just saw and will continue to see every time I look at that sword.
Fuck you.
Anyway, we are only five goddamn minutes into this movie, and we’ve already hit more stupid than can be contained in a Republican Convention (swish), so we best continue. The King whispers Arren’s name as he dies, so…oh…Arren killed him. Remember how two minutes ago the Queen COMPLETELY DIMISSED THE IDEA THAT ARREN MIGHT BE DISTURBED? DO YOU SEE WHY THAT NEVER WORKS OUT WELL?
TITLE SCREEN! Man, the nothing right there is certainly helpful for the ungodly confused. Like me.
The story proper finally begins with a scene a man in a silly hat and robes sailing a boat into…the Sahara Desert? I’m not sure. Anyway, he has a reasonable goatee (as opposed to a Star Trek goatee), a strange mark on his face that looks like bad finger-paint, and he has a staff. I’ll give you exactly one second to guess what his job might be. Did you say “Wizard”? Sorry, I was looking for “Tax Specialist” (the wizard of accounting, some might say). The yet-to-be-named-wizard wanders off into the desert for…um…reasons? What are reasons? He actually does wander into a spectacular sight of several ships buried in the desert, implying this was once ocean, which does bring me to my one good note—this movie has great animation. It does. Clearly people with drawing talent worked on this. It’s just that what they drew doesn’t resemble a story at all. The wizard walks into a hole in one of the ships, steps inside, immediately steps on the bones of a corpse, and looks blankly at it. I too would look blankly at the remains of a fellow human being so I’m glad this film appeals to the emotional sensibilities of my demographic. You know. Sociopaths. Blank expressions will become a motif throughout the film as a result of this. Yay!
Holy holes Batman! We are less than ten minutes into this movie! I think we need to break this up into bite size chunks again. Meanwhile, I will diligently continue this epic quest into…
I was just informed there are s’mores. Bye!
All information on this movie was derived from IMDB. All images taken from Tales From Earthsea film copyright 2006. This film is owned by Studio Ghibli and is not owned by me.
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