House of Nine: Part 2

Before anyone judges me for the lateness of this post, let me start by apologizing. This post is abnormally late, partly because my own schedule has not been as conductive to reviews as I would like (those were some hefty nachos) and partly because of my own reluctance to continue watching a movie that I would give no stars to if I was feeling as charitable as Ebenezer Scrooge prior to his Scooby Doo-type encounters with the spirits of chocolate smiles (hint: I’m not). But this is entirely my fault and I’m sorry. Now, let’s get back to watching something truly ridiculous and infuriating! It’ll be just having cupcakes in an Iron Maidens and the cupcakes have black beans in them!

It’s time for character building because the writers are desperate to make you connect with these half-excuses for people so the killings become extra-poignant. They’ve almost forgotten that we couldn’t care less about any of them because the acting is worse than Meghan Fox in the Transformers movies or Kevin Costner in…anything he’s been in. Also they’re one-dimensional. That’s worth remembering.

Here’s what we learn: Druggie has issues with personal space, Cop has a kid, Father Hopper prays, and Frenchman and No Impact Woman are married and he’s unemployed or something. The end. There I did it in a sentence. Take that, writers.

Meanwhile, after a montage (that’s three!) of the house that reminds us that the house is still there, Cop gets attacked in his sleep and manages to keep hold of the gun. Bickering ensues. If it seems like I’m skipping over important details, don’t worry, you can probably predict what’s happening. This isn’t rocket science. First grade science really.

Father Hopper then blithers (I love that word) on about God and purpose and the Golden Rule. However, I don’t believe any of them trapped nine people in a house. So maybe the Golden Rule doesn’t apply. Just saying.

Then the Cop stops and listens. I don’t hear anything. He’s convinced the other cops have found them. I still don’t hear anything. He runs towards the door, then stops and listens again. I still hear nothing. Seriously, either he’s Superman from 1897 or he’s finally jumped off the straight and narrow and is more bent than a crazy straw. My bets on the latter, because Superman would have none of this shit. Everyone bangs on the door (by the way, later we’re going to discover later why this makes no sense, and it’s a doozie) and screaming. It’s all dramatic and heartbreaking and other tragic adjectives. And then Cop Drops the key to the liquor cabinet.

Let’s stop for a moment and think about just how stupid a move like that is right now.

Ahhhhh….

Time for a montage of them drinking (four). Truly this was worthy of such attention that it takes for-fucking-ever for them to stop. If you’re wondering/hoping one of them dies of alcohol poisoning, sorry that would be way too easy/convenient/ helpful. Also I should note that a crappy pop-rock song is playing over all of this (I think Nickelback was uncredited in this movie).

Then Frenchman gets all creepy over Survivor. It’s pointless, uncomfortable, and doesn’t fit with his character at all. So the writers really are pushing him for some reason. Don’t know why.

HES puts on rap music. Of course. Then it triggers…oh Christ another goddamn montage. Seriously????! WHY DID WE JUST GO INTO ANOTHER MONTAGE? WHAT IS ACHIEVING?! IS EVERYONE ON THIS PROJECT BRAIN DAMAGED?! This time it’s them dancing to the rap music, with No Impact Woman and HES dancing flirtatiously and causing Frenchman (who was breaking up some glass for some reason and shaping them like knives I dunno why. Culinary school maybe?) to flip out and get in a fight with HES who of course starts beating the shit out of him. Don’t be silly.

Oh shit. No Impact Woman was just pushed into a railing! She’s dead! She’s the first to go! And HES killed her! I know it was accident, but come on that’s still hurtful! Finally someone has the good sense to TURN OFF THE RAP MUSIC and mourn the considerable loss of such a fine character.

Frenchman’s weeping, Survivor’s crying hysterically, Cop locks HES in a bedroom, and Father Hopper asks the Intercom to stop this. Yeah, I don’t think he’s going to be helping you right now. I think, gasp, choke, that he might be enjoying this! No! Really!

They put the body in the basement, and yep it’s time for another montage! (Six) This one just shows the other eight people just looking at things and crying. Frenchman smells his dead wife’s lipsticks and yeah now it’s getting a tad weird now that he’s putting on her lipstick and kisses the mirror/camera. Why? Because. No Impact Man keeps waiting by the dumbwaiter, because I guess that’s his character.

Cop judges HES guilty (because he’s the law here? I don’t know it’s weird. What’s happening?). Father Hopper asks if Frenchman is okay (hint: No. You should see his mourning ritual). They ration out some food, and Cop throws a potato into HES’ room. HES doesn’t seem to like it and wastes it by throwing at the now shut door. Then Father Hopper, in what might be a poor move, opens the door to the room with the KNOWN KILLER to give HES more food, and long story short Cop is beaten to death. By HES. Yes, he did kill the cop. And he’s killed the most people so far. Cop, clearly suffering from brain damage, gives the gun to Father Hopper, respecting his good judgment and ability to determine character and, oh wait he LET OUT HES! DON’T GIVE HIM THE GUN, HE’S OBVIOUSLY GOING TO DO SOMETHING STUPID! HE OPENED THE DOOR OF A KNOWN MURDERER AND YOU JUST DIED BECAUSE HE FUCKED UP! GAH!

On the bright side, there’s now room for single bedrooms. So yay!

The others move Cop’s body to the basement as well, because that’s helpful. Close up of Survivor! OH YEAH! SUPER IMPORTANT TO SEE SHE’S SAD! THEY HAD MAYBE TWO MINUTES OF SCREEN TIME TOGETHER!

Frenchman takes of his glasses dramatically then stares. ALSO HELPFUL!

The dumbwaiters brought them potatoes and wine, clearly figuring that the people he's captured are violent alcoholics who just need a little more buzz to start the murder fest. They seem all drawn to making poor choices even when obvious solutions KEEP FUCKING STARING THEM IN THE FACE. It also comes with a lovely thank you note for finally getting to the point, but Bitch actually asks what it means. Remember, there aren’t stupid questions. But that one is very stupid.

Frenchman brings HES his “reward” (how was he locked up again? We didn’t see anyone force him back into his room) showing no resentment for the man who killed his wife whatsoever. Impressive, and not at all sinister.

Montage of everyone distrusting each other! It’s seven now right? I’m losing track.

Father Hopper and Survivor still seem to like each other, and they both discover…oh god. No. No this can’t be happening. No way. Frenchman lynched HES. Yes. Really. I’m not even kidding. I’m convinced now that the writers have never met a black person in their entire lives, and only heard of them through rap videos and Klan meetings.

Survivor says HES didn’t seem suicidal. REALLY? I WOULD NEVER GUESS!!!! Frenchman denies it of course, accusations fly, etc. The fellowship is broken.

MONTAGE! HOORAY! EIGHT! This time it’s a video feed of everyone in their rooms! It does nothing except show Frenchman putting on his wife’s lipstick again, drawing on himself, and practicing a quick draw with his glass knife which he’s hidden above his doorway. I’m starting to get the feeling he might not, you know, be well. Maybe, I don’t know, he’s insane or something and is about to go kill crazy. Just maybe. Stay tuned.

Father Hopper tries to elicit the help of No Impact Man, who is still food obsessed for no reason, who of course is no help because… I’m lost, because he’s starving or something, it makes no sense, no one else seems hungry. Druggie still has personal space issues and trouble not antagonizing Bitch, a clearly unstable human being. Also Bitch can’t flush a toilet. Apparently.

Frenchman sneaks up on Survivor in the bathroom. He grabs a lamp and throws it into the sink she’s holding! She…dies? Of Electrocution? Are you KIDDING? SURVIVOR CAN’T DIE! IT RUINS MY BET! DAMN IT! THERE’S GOES ANOTHER PENNY!

Points for improvisation though.

Bitch, in a move absolutely everyone saw coming, stabs Druggie in the neck with a corkscrew. She dies. No fanfare, that one was as obvious as a stripper in a police academy. Father Hopper pulls his gun on No Impact Man when he tries to take more than his fair share of the potatoes (huh. An Irishman who isn’t potato-happy. Maybe there’s hope after all). What’s the deal with this guy and food? Usually a potato is filling enough, And no one else seems to be starving, so what’s his problem? Is he wasting away? Is he bulimic or something?

Montage! Nine! This time it’s about nothing and short, so mostly it’s padding.

Frenchman actually pretends to discover the body after Hopper does, and acts shocked. Yeah no one buys it. Come on. He’s insane. He’s French. It all adds up.

Frenchman starts bragging about killing her to Father Hopper, who keeps walking away as Frenchie rants nonsensically about something. Cheese? What do Frenchmen like? No Impact Man is coercing a blowjob out of Bitch (wow this movie sucks. Oh shit sorry). Then we cut back to Survivor as she BULLSHIT! Sorry even thinking about this makes me swear involuntarily. SHE JUST WOKE THE FUCK UP! NO! NO WRITERS! THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN! YOU DO NOT JUST WAKE UP AFTER A) DYING OR B) BEING ELECTROCUTED THEN DYING! FUCK!

Anyway, after that taste of pure stupid, Frenchman is still taunting Father H and asking for the gun, because he’s clearly trustworthy. Then Father H decides he’s had enough of this shit and shoots Frenchman, which scares the shocked (lol) Survivor into running into Frenchman’s room, trip over the toilet, and finds the sharp glass he hid there. No Impact Man chokes Bitch with his belt while she isn’t looking, who gets his head blown off by Father Hopper. Bitch survives, but then Frenchman, undeterred by being fucking shot runs back to his room, grabs his glass knife, runs back and stabs Father H. If you're wondering where that quick draw thing he was practicing earlier comes into play congratulations! You remembered the script better than the director did! Frenchman grabs the gun and shoots Bitch, making her survival completely pointless, and finally shoot Father Hopper. This all takes place in under two minutes, so if you didn’t care before, wow are you not going to care now. Frenchman starts screaming that he won, that he wants his money and a baguette or something, he shows off his lipstick, etc. He rips his shirt off KIRK STYLE! He also hears Survivor moving around and, obviously wondering how the hell she survived electrocution completely unharmed, runs after her asking for help, but she cleverly…runs right past him. Not a criminal mastermind this guy. He’s forgotten that he’s bleeding from a bullet wound right now. She runs and hides under a bed, the best off all options (by the way, he left the gun behind. Professor Moriarty we have here). She stabs him in the leg as he tries to escape him from her own poor hiding place. Somehow he’s able to still run (maybe he deserves to win at this point. There’s no quit in him). She holds him off until they both go over the side of the balcony and she manages to stab him without getting stabbed herself. I’d call bullshit on this, what with momentum and all, but she’s apparently able to bend the laws of physics to survive. She is Survivor after all. And she’s won! Game’s over! She’s sobbing hysterically because that is the logical thing to do I suppose, but she’s won! Frenchman is dead! Another French defeat soundly assured!

Some people will note that last section seemed unusually long. That's because it all happens in maybe three minutes, so if I seemed to be rushing through it, it's only because the movie desperately wants to end its miserable existence.

The doors open up into a white hallway (see? What the hell did cop hear?) with a bag in it containing the millions of worthless dollars (what’s exchange rates these days?), which Survivor picks up as she walks into the light as the movie wills itself to become Cube.

She then walks into the plot twist. You’ll never guess. Nope. Nope not that either. Did someone say “She walks into an identical house that contains haggard looking people holding bags that look like hers”? No? That’s because that’s a fucking stupid plot twist. It makes no sense. Why would he put the winners there? Shouldn’t the winners be dead already, since there isn’t any food or whatnot? Are they supposed to kill each other? If so, it doesn’t look they’re doing that. Doesn’t this ruin the point of the movie, which I’m guessing was that humanity is cruel without their social bonds and how can society function and all that nonsense? Yes? Hello? Anyone?

This movie was terrible, the lowest of the low. Imagine a movie made by people who have no knowledge of what a story, a movie, or a person constitutes. Characters? Hah, cardboard does just fine! Plot? Not necessary! Just throw in some pseudo-intellectual jargon and some violence and let’s go! Direction? For what? Remember the lack of anything resembling plot or characters? Yep. This is shit. Total shit. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a redeemable thing about this movie. Even the camera is made of feces.

Thanks to Josh for his help in powering through this turd spreadsheet. I’ll be taking requests for the next movie from anyone.